Two Dogs Humping (on me)

Warning: dog sex. With another dog, no worries.


 

This post is dedicated to Blair (The Shameful Sheep) in response to the post It All Makes Sense Now. If you read through the comments you’ll see a few references to dogs humping, which reminded me of this embarrassing story from my past.

Back in the old days, when I first lived in the Netherlands, I got a rescue dog. She was a Dutch Shepherd from good working lines who had been horrifically abused by her first owner. After a couple of years with me and my (now ex) partner, this old girl had healed and relaxed enough to be a pretty awesome dog (aside from her tendency to want to attack all other dogs, but that’s a post for another day).

In those days, the dog people I knew were mostly military K9 guys and people who did KNPV training (Koninklijke Nederlandse Politiehond Vereniging; roughly: Royal Dutch Police Dog Association, the training program for police and military dogs in the Netherlands). In general, these guys were pretty tough on their dogs. I know this is a massive generalisation: some were women, and not all of them were hard on the dogs. But in general, they were men. And in general, their training methods included things I’m absolutely opposed to now, and in which I’m now ashamed to have participated (again, a post for another day).

But one of the things I truly believed back then, because I trusted the expertise and experience of the K9 people around me, was that good working dogs are bred from good working dog lines. I scoffed at the idea that a shelter dog could ever be a good working dog. I was proud of the lineage of my rescued dog (who had been removed from her first owner by her breeder and thus came to us one midnight for a three-day foster that lasted thirteen years and two continents).

After we’d had this dog (her original name was Ratna) for a few years, I started getting broody for a puppy. Attending the local KNPV training field had introduced me to a gorgeous Dutch Shepherd named Tommy, a rising star in protection work who had already sired multiple litters. I got it in my head that Tommy would make a fabulous dad for Ratna’s puppies, so I convinced my partner that we should approach Tommy’s owner with the proposal. I can’t remember what the stud fee was (200 Euros and first pick of the litter, maybe?) but I would have agreed to pretty much anything, because visions of squeaky little black-and-brindle puppies were dancing in my head. I knew that between Ratna’s bloodline and Tommy’s lineage and fame, the pups would be very easy to place in working homes. And I was so excited about raising a puppy from birth for its whole life!

Little did I know that Ratna would thwart me in this.

As I mentioned above, Ratna had severe dog aggression. We think she was never exposed to dogs as a pup. When we first got her, she would freeze at the sight of other dogs. If they approached, she would try to flee, but as she was always on the leash, she couldn’t get away. She quickly learned that if she attacked, the other dog would go away. Eventually, the freeze-flight-fight cycle was condensed into a fraction of a second, and she would lunge toward any dog she saw. This was compounded by the fact that since I was relatively new to dogs, and was getting all my training advice from punishment / aversiveΒ  trainers, I had foolishly trained the initial bark and growl warning out of her by punishing her for that. So Ratna attacked immediately and silently, with no warning signals, and because she had not been socialised to interact well with other dogs, she did not respect displays of submission, but would keep fighting until physically dragged off. She was quite small for a Dutch Shepherd, but man she was tough!

Anyway. I knew Ratna might not be too interested in Tommy, but I really wanted puppies. She was used to a basket muzzle, so I thought, well, we’ll muzzle her and give her a little bit of doggie valium to take the edge off. That way, at least she won’t hurt Tommy. We waited until she was fully in heat (our old boy, Rex, was lovesick and moaning, and walking around with his, uh, “lipstick” hanging out all day and night). Then we arranged to meet Tommy and his owner for the exciting impregnation!

All the way there, I was so excited! So was Ratna, because car ride! She had no idea what was coming. As we approached our destination, Ratna got quieter and calmer, as the valium kicked in. I was pleased that she wouldn’t flat-out attack Tommy on sight. I had some idea that once she smelled him and understood what was going on, that biology would take over and she would willingly stand for him. I mean, all the other females in season I had known were rubbing their juicy vulvas on the bars of their kennels like prisoners with tin cups, trying to attract some attention. One time, we had two intact males and three intact females in the house—and the three girls went into heat within a few days of each other. Those dogs were even more desperate than teenagers to get it on! We had a hell of a time managing access and pee breaks and feeding times for a couple of weeks. But when I think back on it, Ratna was the one who was the least interested in all the goings-on. That should have been a clue.

We arrived at the field. “Conception Field,” I was calling it in my mind. Ratna was happy to see the hatch open, but as soon as she saw the muzzle in my hand, she bristled and balked. She let me put it on but she was suspicious. And when she saw Tommy being led over on a leash, she lunged! A little uncoordinated because of the valium, but a lunge nonetheless. The lunge brought her close enough to Tommy for him to smell her. His eyes glazed over; his mouth dropped open, and his penis slid out of its sheath all bright and shiny (a dog penis is a disturbing thing, seriously).

Ratna was not really interested, but she couldn’t kill him (muzzle) and couldn’t run away (leash). Partner and I knelt beside her and murmured reassurance and encouragement while Tommy did his level best to climb on. But Ratna kept swaying her back end around so Tommy couldn’t get in. We were all laughing at how single-minded they both were, intent each on their own goal. I offered to help guide Tommy and his owner laughed at me and said “he doesn’t really like that but you can try.” So I put my hand—ick, just remembering this gives me the Big Ew—under Tommy with the idea that I could kind of grab his penis and guide him into Ratna. But as soon as I touched him, he got a WTF expression and his penis slid back into its sheath. As soon as I got my hand out of there, Tommy was back in business. I wiped my hand over and over on my jeans but ick.

Ratna decided on a new strategy. She simply sat down. No matter how much we tried to hold her standing, she just planted her butt on the ground and was quite pleased with the effect. Tommy danced around her whimpering and trying to push her back up, but she sat still and lowered her centre of gravity to about three feet below the surface of the earth (an amazing skill she displayed whenever I tried to pick her up).

I am nothing if not adaptable. Her new strategy had to be met with one of my own. I decided—and convinced the men— that I would get down on my hands and knees, and that they would place Ratna over me crosswise, so she couldn’t lower herself. At first it seemed to work great! I got down on my hands and knees, giggling, and they lifted Ratna over me so that her paws were on the ground but she couldn’t crouch. Tommy saw his chance: he placed one massive paw on my neck and the other on my butt, and heaved himself up onto Ratna. But as soon as he got into position, Ratna freaked out and threw everything she had into escaping. I’m not sure exactly what happened because I was at the bottom of the pile, but seconds later, the dogs were being hauled apart by the two men, and I was lying flat out on the grass, covered in dirt and dog semen, crying with helpless laughter.

I finally realised I wasn’t getting a puppy this way. I looked over at Ratna, and saw how she was standing wide-eyed and muzzled, panting, all four legs braced for fight or flight, and I felt awful. Look how I had scared my dog! The beautiful abused dog I was supposed to protect! I got up and brushed myself off and held out a sticky hand to Tommy’s owner to shake (he took it), and we loaded our good girl into the car and took her home.

But that wasn’t the end of it, no way! Tommy’s owner said we could always try artificial insemination, so the next day I met up with him at the vet’s office. Ratna was muzzled and Tommy was led in to smell her. He perked up again, eyes glazed and ears stiff. I took Ratna off to the farthest corner of the room where she felt safer, while the vet pulled on a glove and jerked off Tommy, who initially objected, but then decided to take whatever he could get. It was hilarious and awkward being in that room with these two men, one of whom I had just met, one of whom I knew only slightly, with these overstimulated (in different ways) dogs and the canine, uh, manipulation. The vet collected the ejaculate and then I held Ratna while he inseminated her (Tommy was out of the room by this point). Nothing like making small talk with a stranger while he’s got his hand in your dog’s vagina.

My partner was at work, so I had traveled to the vet with Ratna on the bus. The vet said not to let her squat or pee for at least an hour after the insemination, so I traveled home on the bus with my poor girl, preventing her from squatting or peeing until we got home. She kept trying to pee and then looking at me with confusion and reproach when I wouldn’t allow it. When she was finally allowed to pee, she got such a satisfied and relieved expression, eyes half-closed for what seemed like a whole minute.

The insemination didn’t take, so we were out our 200 euros. But Tommy’s owner felt sorry for us (or maybe he felt the entertainment was worth some compensation), and he offered us the first female pick from Tommy’s upcoming litter. Those puppies were born on December 2, 2003, and one of them was my good Brindle Dog who is now twelve years old and whose health is starting to get kind of iffy.

I’m glad Ratna didn’t get pregnant. I always assumed that her intense fear of and aggression towards other dogs was a function of her early abuse and lack of socialisation. But maybe she was just mean. Maybe there was a good reason not to produce a bunch of pups who may have turned out to be just as aggressive. And anyway, her not having puppies meant we got the Brindle Dog. And I can’t imagine never having known this good girl!

Also, I’m a bit sorry we even tried. Ratna was so stressed about it. In retrospect, I realise that drugging my dog and trying to get her pregnant is ethically dubious. Consent is a thing, not just for humans. It was another learning moment about protecting my dogs and not exposing them to bad things.

But when I look back and remember lying on the ground and seeing Tommy’s spray flying onto me while I gasped with laughter, and the comical look on his face, and the triumph in Ratna’s eyes when she got away from him and turned back to lunge, and the way both the guys tried to be so stoic and matter-of-fact about the whole thing… It still makes me smile and suppress a giggle.

We stopped for fries on the way home. I was in the bathroom for a long time scrubbing my hands and face before I touched my food! Ratna, by then unmuzzled, wolfed down her share of the fries and wagged happily. She never held a grudge in her life.

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25 thoughts on “Two Dogs Humping (on me)

  1. Blair (The Shameful Sheep)

    Oh, god. This post made me nauseous haha. Mainly because dogs humping/sex/whatever really creeps me out. I actually have a post that’s dedicated to it traumatizing me as a kid (it didn’t really – it’s a humor post lol. That’s what the comments are referring to I think!) I can’t imagine having it spray on me. I would have stayed in the shower for 5 hours. You’re braver than I lol! I will say, I feel a bit sad for Ratna. I’m glad she didn’t end up in a forced pregnancy. Thanks for the shout πŸ™‚ You’re hilarious.

    – Here’s the post about humping https://bhharned.wordpress.com/2015/11/11/doghumping/

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. nissetje Post author

      That post was hilarious. πŸ™‚ Thanks for sharing it!

      I’m also glad it didn’t work with Ratna. But you know what? She was the best foster mama to little pups you could ever hope to see. As long as the pups were under about 12 weeks of age, she would accept them (rather than attack them) and take them under her wing. We fostered a lot of pups who were headed for a working life, and she was great with them. The Brindle Dog and the Fluffy Dog were her “babies,” too.

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      Reply
  2. princessbutter

    The last line. That last line, is what makes dogs the most fabulous beings on earth. They are all so forgiving and can never stay angry for more than a minute. It reminds me of Moony and dad. Never angry at each other for more than a minute.
    We have had our own share of silliness trying to get Moony hump a female instead of us. It has involved a stepping stool, mom holding his ‘lipstick’, dad lifting him up, etc. but sigh, it wasn’t meant to be.
    And so, so, so many times of him humping our legs or shoulder while sitting and his thingy touching me! Eww!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    1. nissetje Post author

      Aaaaaahahahahaaaa! Yeah, that gross lipstick thingy.

      But what you said? “The last line. That last line, is what makes dogs the most fabulous beings on earth.” – that brought tears to my eyes. Really, when I look back on it, that was a terrible thing to do to her. But by the time we drove away, she was already licking my ear again. Dogs are so good!

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  3. honestme363

    Flippin hilarious! Brings back memories of being the tech holding the dog while the vet got a sample. When she (they) was (were) done, she patted his head and said “you were such a good boy” and I said “I bet he thinks you were better. Good (cough) handjob etc etc etc” still makes me laugh!! Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    1. nissetje Post author

      Haha! Right? I only had to assist with that once when I was a tech, just holding the front end (like you?). I spent the whole time trying not to burst out laughing, because the owners were so serious. When it was all done, I went out back and had a “coughing fit.”

      Also funny is the old dog Rex who was so lovesick. He was intact but had no clue what to do. He would stand over Ratna, aroused and panting, and lick her head and ears and neck until she was soaked, literally dripping with saliva. I was always like “Dude, seriously, you are doing this so WRONG!”

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
        1. nissetje Post author

          TGIF indeed. Have a great weekend! I was planning to have a great weekend myself but I don’t think I’ll be able to get the image of a maxi pad full of female love juice out of my head!!!

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply
  4. izabolinha

    Great post , you had me laughing hard (and the comments too πŸ˜‰ ) but I’m afraid it will be a few days before I can put on my rosy/red lipstick again πŸ™‚
    Turtle Hugs

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    Reply
  5. Pingback: My Blogging Life | honestme363

  6. Pingback: Old Dogs: When the News is Good | Barking Back

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